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29 March 2024

Parents' divorce puts kids on downhill drive

Published
By Hana Al Mulla

It was growing up without a father figure to look up to that has affected me, says Alia Abdulla, a child from a broken home.

“And because I’ve been through that, I would think twice before putting my children through the same situation,” adds the 24-year-old expecting Emirati mother.

Alia’s parents got divorced when she was around 7-8 years old. Her mother has since remarried.

“I believe it is more difficult for teenaged boys [referring to her brother] during that sensitive period. They find it difficult to relate to their mother and need a father figure in their lives,” Alia adds.

Divorce rates in the UAE are escalating not only among newlyweds, but also older couples, said Dr Abdulaziz Al Hammadi, Head of Family Counselling, Dubai Courts.

The main causes of conflict between couples in the UAE are social issues, health, personal, religion, and most importantly, financial problems. There is also the obvious ignorance by the husband in taking responsibility of the family, Dr Al Hammadi added.

Psychologists say children may learn conflict resolution later in life at an intellectual level. “[But] they will suffer the emotional devastation of parental breakup at the unconscious level,” points out Dr Raymond Hamden, Dubai-based Clinical & Forensic Psychologist.

Divorce is a time of change and transition. This results in anxiety in children especially if the conflict is ongoing and the child does not know how their living situation would be in the future, said Dr Amy Baily, Department Head of Psychology & Counseling at Kids First Medical Center in Dubai.

Dr Bailey pointed out that children’s reaction to a divorce depends on three key factors:

1. Quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation.

2. Intensity and duration of the parental conflict.

3. Parents’ ability to focus on the needs of their children in their divorce process.

“Children who experience divorce of their parents are [2-3 times] more likely to divorce [themselves]. When a child sees the most important people in their young life unable to resolve conflict, they will repeat the same conflicts without resolution,” Dr Hamden said.

“Children are very sensitive. Even if they can’t verbalise their emotions, their behavioral changes will be noted by parents [often too busy to notice], teachers, extended family members, and friends,” Dr Hamden said.

Following are some of the critical effects divorce may have on children:

• Smoking

• Poor math & social skills

• Susceptibility to sickness

• An increased likelihood of dropping out of school

• Higher risk of stroke

• Greater chance of getting divorced

• An early death

“After divorce, childhood is different. Adolescence is different... Whether the outcome is good or bad, the whole trajectory of an individual’s life is profoundly altered by the divorce experience,” said noted divorce researcher, Dr Judith Wallerstein in her book ‘Second Chances’.

“My children would cry every time daddy left the house [while we were separating]. What was difficult was to watch it hurting them and not being able to do anything about that; to bring this pain into my children’s life and not able to stop that, because you are the guardian and caretaker of children,” according ‘Janet’, who featured in a case study in the book.

So, what is the solution?

Divorce should be the last resort or solution after people have exhausted every way to solve their differences and have been unable to do so, Dr Hamden advised.
Dr Bailey said divorce affects children in different ways.

“Younger children [aged 3-8 years] are less able to understand the permanence and implications of what divorce means. It is important to use appropriate age language and give a consistent message to the child as they are likely to need the information repeated many times.

“Older children [aged 9-12 years] are more able to understand the meaning of the situation and so will tend to worry more about the future. They may feel sad or angry and may even blame themselves or attempt to reunite their parents,” said Dr Bailey.

She added that all children need empathy and an opportunity to express their feelings as well as reassurance about the future.

Dr Tahir says that although divorce usually occurs when a relationship becomes intolerable, in a way it may be better [for the children], for their parents to separate than to fight all the time and have negative energy and aggressive feelings.

“Children can read that and may not be able to cope with it and develop conditions like anxiety or depression and other behavioral problems,” said Dr Tahir, Child, Adolescent, & Adult Psychiatrist in Dubai.

“[The negative effects of divorce] are directly proportional to the severity of conflict among spouses and inversely proportional to the age of children.

“High-conflict divorces have a greater negative impact as compared to low conflict divorces,” he added.

“Children should never hear or see parents belittling one parent or each other. What they see parents do to each other, is as bad as the abuse being done to them,” Dr Hamden said.

Dr. Bailey points out the importance of telling younger children that their parents’ divorce is not their fault as younger children may perceive it as their fault.

You will be loved

She advises to uses of sentences like: “Mommy and Daddy make each other sad when we are together, it is not your fault, it is okay to feel sad, you will always be safe. Mommy and daddy will live in different places but we both love you and will always be there for you. You can love and spend time with both of us.”

“I have worked with some children where families feel ashamed of the divorce and may attempt to keep this secret from the child or ask the child not to talk to others about this.

“In my experience, this leads to avoidant patterns of coping where children are unable to express their feelings. Such avoidant coping mechanisms are detrimental to them learning to cope with problems in the future,” said Dr Bailey.

“Parents should treat each other in the way that they want their children to treat others and be treated by others,” Dr Hamden added.

(Home page image courtesy Shutterstock)