Asha Sanghvi has been ticking off the days on her calendar since her 17-year-old son Akshay left for the United States this August.
“He’s studying international business and plans to find a job there once he completes his degree after three years,” says the proud mama, mustering up a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
As she continues to regale me with childhood anecdotes of her ‘baby’, a cursory glance around his now empty room underlies a wealth of memories and emotions, with the foremost being one of grief.
Sanghvi is not alone in her turmoil, as many parents like her are gradually facing the haunting silence of an empty nest.
“I keep telling myself, there’s so much free time now to pursue my hobbies, but when it comes down to it, I find myself completely helpless to my thoughts and memories,” comes her heartfelt response.
Empty nest blues
Sanghvi is facing the initial onset of the empty nest syndrome, a sign that is quite common, yet few understand it or know how to deal with.
Dr Amit Seth, specialist psychologist, says this condition often refers to feelings of depression, sadness, and/or grief experienced by parents and caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes.
He adds: “This may occur when children go to college or even when they get married.”
Seth explains that a deep sense of sadness and grief are the most common occurrences of this syndrome.
“Some of the symptoms experienced are loss of sleep, disinterest in doing daily things, crying without a trigger, insomnia, lack of appetite, disinterest in meeting or talking to people and adeep sense of loss and emptiness in life,” he explains.
“Changes in life, even positive ones, result in losses. It is extremely important to work through these associated thoughts and feelings of loss.”
Sometimes though, the sense of grief can get quite overwhelming, especially when a parent feels that their useful life has ended, or if they find themselves crying excessively and unable to socialise with friends or even go to work.
Says Seth: “In this kind of situation, what seems to happen is that the child’s departure unleashes seriously depressed feelings – and these very definitely need treating.”
Daddy dearest
“Many studies have revealed that women are more likely affected by the empty nest syndrome than men because they often tend to take on the role of the primary care taker of their children,” says Seth.
But experts debate on this considerably, stating that feelings of an empty nest syndrome hits men just as hard, with many dads feeling a sense of regret over things they didn’t do and time not spent with their children.
Ben Goldman is one such father whose two daughters are currently living in New Hampshire, US and Washington DC.
“One of my girls is working in a MNC, while my younger one is studying in university. I miss both of them terribly, making me wonder why I didn’t spend more time with them when I had the chance.”
Helen M DeVries, psychologist and associate professor of psychology at Wheaton College, US, was among the first who started researching the empty nest syndrome, especially when her own experience didn’t conform to societal expectations.
DeVries was quoted as saying at the time: “Empty nest is supposed to be this terrible loss and terrible transition for women. I started wondering if I was just unusual and my friends were all unusual because we just weren’t seeing our children leaving home as a terrible thing.”
Although many of the women had been the traditional homemakers, once thought to be most prone to the empty nest syndrome, DeVries found that in reality they were looking forward to their children leaving home.
They had started planning and preparing for the next stage, whether that meant going back to school, going to work or exploring new interests.
Couple trouble
Another concern that has come to light is the strain put on marriages, as a direct repercussion to the empty nest syndrome.
Seth states: “Several studies indicate there has been a steady increase in the number of divorces among couples married 30 or more years.
“Many long-term married couples divorce one another after the kids leave home. They realise too late that their children kept them together.”
However, the good news is that with good communication and preparation for this phase of your marriage, the empty nest years can be enjoyable and full of new beginnings.
Experts advise seeking counselling if your empty nest marriage is showing signs of withdrawal, alienation, and negativity.
Battling the blues
Seth provides easy solutions on how you can make the empty nest years work for you:
1. Set up a time to weekly chat or communicate with your children. Make it a routine commitment.
2. Explore or return to hobbies, leisure activities and careers.
3. This also marks a time to adjust to a new role in your child’s life. Your relationship with your child may become more peer-like and you will have to become accustomed to allowing your children more privacy in their lives.
4. Many suggest preparing for an empty nest while your children are still living with you. Areas to develop include friendships, hobbies, career and educational opportunities.
5. Did you ever have dreams that you put on the back burner, and said to yourself, “Maybe when the kids are grown?” Now is the time to bring those dreams out, and move forward.
Enrol in extra curricular activities: Ever wanted to try your hand at painting? Or maybe you always wanted to start writing. Maybe now is a good time to start.
Keeping yourself busy, focussed, and stay positive; these are the key elements to overcoming this syndrome.
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