Sporting odds

Baffled Baggie

"We've shown many times this season that we can cope with this level. We need to win four or five of our remaining games. That shouldn't be a problem for us to deal with," West Brom's Robert Koren babbled repeatedly as he rocked backwards and forwards in his chair at a secret Midlands' mental home. Of the club's remaining eight games, they have to play four away. They've won only once outside the Hawthorns this season.

Cricket for girls

"This is very exciting for cricket as a sport," pontificated Giles Clarke after watching England's females win the Women's World Cup. "Half the nation are female, and we're actually beginning to take advantage of that, and not just asking them to make tea." It's pleasing to hear the ECB chairman clarify his position on women's equality, although reports soon emerged that Sir Geoffrey Boycott nearly choked on his Lords' lunch after hearing the comments.

Perfect pen

Ball boffins have finally put their shiny, expensive machinery to good use this week by coming up with the perfect formula for taking penalties. All you need to do is (deep inhale advised): Start five paces from the edge of the area, approach the ball at an angle of 20-30 degrees, strike it at exactly 65mph and place it, no more or no less, than 0.5m below the crossbar. John Terry has reportedly spent all week working out the five paces.

Hoy puts brakes on trip

"I could have gone out to Poland, but to be honest with you I'd rather try to avoid it and not think about it too much," spouted multiple Olympic cycling champion (and all-round darling of Britain) Sir Chris Hoy this week. He may have spent the highlights of his career among the ancient ruins of Athens and absorbing the brilliant buzz of Beijing, but to knock an uninvitingly bleak, former Eastern Bloc country like that is just not acceptable. Shame on you, Sir.