2.47 PM Tuesday, 19 March 2024
  • City Fajr Shuruq Duhr Asr Magrib Isha
  • Dubai 05:07 06:20 12:29 15:54 18:33 19:47
19 March 2024

Personal Finance: Tough love helps debtors own up responsibilities faster

Theda Muller

Published

When  a loved one is not taking responsibility for his/her debt, leaving you and the family with the burden of payments... This  situation is very real, whether it’s your spouse, partner, parent, sibling or offspring. The effect is the same and so is your response and ongoing support.

Most times if it is a direct family member you simply opt to support them, pay their monthly accounts with the hope that at some stage, they will take responsibility. Sadly they don’t and the question is ‘why should they when you’ve  cushioned them and made their life comfortable?’

The very famous beliefs of ‘tough love’ and ‘be kind to be cruel’ is also very true and most effective. So no matter how much it hurts you to literally turn your back on the debtor, when you decide to relieve yourself of this responsibility you must realise that  someone has to grow up at some stage and learn to take ownership and responsibility, even if it is the hard way.

So what do you do?


1.      Stop paying the bills and monthly payments that the debtor should be accountable for;

2.      Let the process take its course whether that progresses to incessant creditor calls or notification of legal action proceedings;

3.      Do not react to pleas for help especially if the situation starts getting tough. The debtor must then learn to take responsibility, take the creditors calls and arrange to meet with them.

4.      However difficult the situation gets, take a back seat and this may be painful.

5.      Continue encouraging the debtor to take responsibility and initiate the necessary action.

6.      If you wish to secure advice from a debt coach, someone you know or even me, then do so and convince the debtor to meet with this party who will formulate a plan to present to creditors.

7.      Ensure you are in the background so the debtor knows  you are there, but will also realise they must embark on this path alone.

8.      If they are unemployed then continue encouraging them to secure new employment.

9.      In the unemployment situation it is extremely difficult to secure payment plans with creditors as there is no salary being credited monthly. But at this stage get the person to request approval from the creditor for 1 or 2months time to secure a job and let them pay whatever they can to start showing credibility.

10.  Under no circumstances do you assign yourself or any other family member as a guarantor – remember, this is still the biggest part of the lesson so if you release the reigns now, all the above work would be in vain, because it would have been too easy for the debtor to get out of their debt situation and then someone else has now opted to take responsibility.

11.  Allow the debtor to work through this process, even if it takes a legal course because here lies the lesson, because the oucome of the lesson will be one of the below or all of them:

a.      They will realise there is no other option but to meet their commitment.

b.      They will realise that the days of family sheltering them is over.

c.       They will realise that it’s easy to say ‘I can’t find a job so I will just leave’ because it will be evident in most cases if they leave, the creditors can track them and ensure they repay this debt in their own currency, where most times the amount in the local currency is huge, meaning liquidating retirement assets.

d.      They will realise it it easier to repay their debt here than abscond.

e.      They will never apply for another credit facility in this lifetime without knowing they can repay that debt.

f.        They won’t take their family and close loved ones for granted in future.

g.      Taking this journey means they start developing new self-respect for themselves and others and realise just how much they refuted their responsibilities towards their loved ones.

h.      They may just thank you for the lesson.

i.        You will thank yourself and your family for this lesson too, because this is a win-win situation for everyone.

It’s not easy to look like the bad guy and not tender your support however, you too have your own life and you cannot afford to take the responsibility of someone else, no matter who it is and regardless of how much you love the person.

When you do the right thing and the outcome is positive then it makes you appreciate yourself more knowing that you not only saved a life, but also a very invaluable relationship between families.  We know that there is nothing worse than ongoing animosity,  disputes especially when having to continually support one family member who is irresponsible about burdening his own personal family. Remember,  you don’t owe anyone a life, they owe it to themselves.

If this is a parent , aunt or uncle, then you owe them your respect, nothing else and by showing them a new way of life you are helping them transform themselves and their lives. The one very big favour I will ask right now is, don’t beat yourself up and take yourself on a guilt trip because today nobody cares. So the fact that you cared enough and took the time to make this effort to support your family member, is sufficient evidence of your loyalty and love.

There are many families who go through life in this state of turmoil but finally, the person is taught a very invaluable lesson, because life dictates we pay our dues but this is something that could have been avoided. None of us like to see our family members in problems as the word ‘family’ should be significant and key, but most times people who take debt for granted must be shown the other path by hook or by crook, because this is the only way.

There are lessons in life for everyone and we should embrace them because it strengthens us as individuals. Nobody that is super strong today, who possesses awesome inner strength, just got there by chance. If you speak to them you may be astound at their journeys thus far because not everyone will share this with you, only those who are placed in strategic positions to help others transform their lives will be open and sincere to share their experiences.

People like this debtor should be grateful that their families care this much to source the resources to enable them to overcome their debt problems. Hence the other lesson here is to be grateful and thankful that a few people really care, because the flip-side is there are many who stand alone throughout their lifetimes with nobody there to support them.